On the buses...in Glasgow's East End

My usual mode of transport tends to be the bus, and due to the less-than-salubrious area in which I reside, I've witnessed many interesting incidents over the years - some outrageous, some violent, others comical. On one particular journey I recall some young neds at the back of the bus were brazenly skinning up a large spliff. It was mid-afternoon and the bus was mostly occupied by old ladies coming back from The Forge shopping centre. One of the young lads from the party at the rear walked down the aisle and politely requested that his fellow passengers open the windows, and even jovially assisted those whose lack of strength and/or dexterity made the task difficult for them, whilst casually explaining that he and his friends were about to "spark up a joint". His amiable demeanour and apparent concern for the elderly passengers appeared to endear him to most of them and, whilst some did appear shocked by his nonchalant explanation, generally they were cooperative and reciprocated his warmth. Despite his best efforts however, the smoke and distinctive herbal aroma quickly filled the bus like an incense candle, perhaps that's why I couldn't help but smile as I alighted the vehicle.

Sitting on the top deck of a bus as it meandered through Glasgow's East End, I overheard a woman say the following sentence on her mobile phone:

Aye, if he chews ma baws again, I swear I'm gonnae kick his c**t in!

The fact he (metaphorically) chewed her balls and she was going to kick his c**t in caused me a great deal of amusement.

On another occasion I was travelling into work later than usual, around eleven in the morning, and sat a few seats away from two, obviously intoxicated, women. One was swigging an alcoholic beverage from a can, whilst her companion complained she needed the toilet. As the bus continued along the route, these complaints became louder and more desperate, however her friend, apparently enjoying her drink, simply placated her with the reassurance that they had nearly reached their destination and relief was imminent. Suddenly one of them shrieked and they began to argue..."F**k's sake! Look whit ya've made me do!" One of them pressed the bell and they both stood up in preparation to alight from the bus, but continued their dispute. "Sssshhh yaself...ya're makin' a f**kin' scene, ya bam!"

It suddenly became clear what had happened. The poor woman who'd been complaining had pissed herself and her friend, presumably trying to spare her public humiliation, was trying to negotiate a discreet exit from the vehicle. Unfortunately she herself had no such concerns as she turned to address the whole bus. With her leggings conspicuously soaked in urine, she angrily shouted "What the f**k are youse all lookin' at?!" Then whilst stabbing her chest violently with her forefinger, and with a face contorted with rage, she screamed "Ah've got cirrhosis of the liver, by the way! So f**k youse all!" In fairness that was a reasonable mitigating factor.

There but for the grace of God go I...