Living with OCD - Part 3

The OCD-UK website is a great resource with a lot of useful material. The following passage summarises the nature of this debilitating condition:

OCD presents itself in many guises, and certainly goes far beyond the common perception that OCD is merely hand washing or checking light switches. In general, OCD sufferers experience obsessions which take the form of persistent and uncontrollable thoughts, images, impulses, worries, fears or doubts. They are often intrusive, unwanted, disturbing, significantly interfere with the ability to function on a day-to-day basis as they are incredibly difficult to ignore. People with OCD often realise that their obsessional thoughts are irrational, but they believe the only way to relieve the anxiety caused by them is to perform compulsive behaviours, often to prevent perceived harm happening to themselves or, more often than not, to a loved one.

In a previous post I referred to the fact that I suffered a severe episode in January, 2014. I suppose technically it wasn't a nervous breakdown as I managed to function, albeit with the aid of a daily 15 mg dose of diazepam, but it was a period that I can best describe as like a nightmare from which I couldn't wake up, I had extremely distressing thoughts about harming others which were relentless; I would literally wake up and the thoughts would begin, they'd be present throughout the day and some nights they even haunted me in my dreams.

I lost nearly a stone in weight in just a few weeks as I simply no longer found food appealing, which is highly unusual for me! I was tearful and filled with foreboding, convinced some dreadful incident was imminent. Whereas previous episodes of this nature lasted just a few days, this lasted months.

I have to confess that I genuinely contemplated suicide, but was too cowardly to go through with it. What if suicide really was a terrible sin, and hell is real? What if I made a mess of it, for example by hanging myself only to be cut down and live the rest of my life as a quadriplegic? What about the misery I'd cause those I'd leave behind?

I therefore proposed various solutions which would leave me unable to act on these terrible thoughts, should I be unable to control them; I genuinely contemplated robbing a bank and getting jailed, amputating my arms, and blinding myself. I think those examples illustrate that I was really not a very well person at that time.

I was extremely lucky to have people who cared about me and supported me during this turbulent period. Not everybody's that lucky, sadly.

(to be continued...)